and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
