my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
