You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
