we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
