smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
