Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Sober January is a disaster.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize