Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
