I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
