respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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