remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
