Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Mom said you looked used
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize