i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I will pee on everything he values.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
