if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
