We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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