Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
