haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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