she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
