i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I don't want my vagina anymore.
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