Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
