I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
