On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Couch. On fire.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
