if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize