That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
