Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
