you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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