im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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