She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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