you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
