Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I wish you could order shots online.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Randomize
