DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize