i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
