No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
