i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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