Only a mothe r could love this liver
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize