Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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