Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
should my penis look like a turkey
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
