I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
