just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
