I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
