dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
