i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
