I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
