i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
did i walk over a car last night?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
