If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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