I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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