I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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