I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
