I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
