Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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