Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
