I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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