The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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