if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
