dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Boobs are out for the taking
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
