I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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