when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
