I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize